Fantastic Beats and Where to Hear Them

by The 8th Horcrux

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about

New lyrics by P. Thomas and K. Sieg, except for "Dumbledore Died", which was written by Jace McLain of Nuclear Bubble Wrap.

Curious what is parodied on this album? Click here: garagebands.wikia.com/wiki/Fantastic_Beats_%26_Where_to_Hear_Them

Buy our other albums through Kunaki: kunaki.com/msales.asp?PublisherId=129998&pp=1

credits

released July 1, 2016

Trina Sieg: Lead Guitar, Lead and Backup Vocals, Lyrics, Keyboard, Bass
Paul Thomas: Rhythm Guitar, Lead and Backup Vocals, Lyrics, Programming

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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about

The 8th Horcrux Ottawa, Kansas

The 8th Horcrux is a wizard rock band that specializes in Harry Potter-inspired tunes... with a familiar twist.

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Track Name: Voldemort Stinks
Voldemort stinks
To put it quite lightly
Demented and crazy
He can't duel a baby

Always, of course
He's hiding at Hogwarts
Scheming
Hating
Pontificating

I think we all know
Voldie must go
We'll knock his lights out
We'll cast a mean curse

Na-na-na-na-na-no more Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-I'm sick of Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-no more Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-I'm sick of Tom Riddle!

He came back in book four
His face is an eyesore
His skin is pale and he has no hair
It looks like he OD'd on nair

I think we all know
Voldie's a dope
He tried to cheat death
And how'd that work out?

Na-na-na-na-na-no more Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-I'm sick of Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-no more Tom Riddle!
Na-na-na-na-na-I'm sick of Tom Riddle!

I think we all know
Voldie's a dope
He tried to cheat death
And how'd that work out?

His time has come
He better run
We'll knock his lights out
We'll cast a mean curse

I think we all know
Voldie's a joke
A powerful wiz
Who got killed by a kid

And I don't suppose
You know the deal 'bout his nose?
It musta dropped off..
Musta dropped off...
He looks like a snake
Track Name: Pansy
First things first, I'm a real witch
Stand back Gryffindor, you 'bout to feel it
And all you muggle-born wizards, I'mma beat ya down
Like I'm givin' lessons in Quidditch
If you wanna bad witch, that's me
Evil like Kenevil, little weasel that's me
Full of snark, I'm a narc, full of dark ideas
My boyfriends got a dark mark on his wrist
Potter always makes us lose and we hate that
But Umbridge gave us power to abate that
Bring the traitors in, where my mates at?
You best believe I'll make you pay, brat!

My name's Pansy, and my blood is gold
A Slytherin bully, and a real pain, don't'cha know?
My name's Pansy, I'mma little cray
Don't mess with my name, I'm a hag

I say, baby, I'm pure blood, but your blood is pure mud
I can't stand Hermione, and Weasley is no good
But Harry's the worst one, his allies are so dumb
Hagrid is stupid, I could rant about the DA...
But I mean Gryffindor's fine, if you like mudbloods and swine
If I got put into that house, I'd think I'd just want to die
Slytherin is the best, and everyone is well dressed
'Cuz we got plenty of money, I mean now who would've guess?

Now tell me, who dat, who dat? Who's a true prat? True prat?
I be tellin' on my peers, cuz' I'm a hood rat, hood rat
I'm a mean little snitch, aidin' You-Know-Who
Tryin' to get rid of Potter through a pure-blooded coup

My name's Pansy, and my blood is gold
A Slytherin bully, and a real pain, don't'cha know?
My name's Pansy, I'mma little cray
Don't mess with my name, I'm a hag

Still thinkin' I'm the highest
But I can't even see I'm biased
My actions are just dreadful
I'm more twisted than a super-evil pretzel

That's just the way I love it
Bein' bad is the best and you can shove
We'll just see who is better
My blood is as pure as this rap is clever

My name's Pansy, and my blood is gold
A Slytherin bully, and a real pain, don't'cha know?
My name's Pansy, I'mma little cray
Don't mess with my name, I'm a hag

Who dat, who dat? A mean little snitch
Who dat, who dat? A super-wicked witch
Who dat, who dat? A mean little snitch

I'm a hag
Track Name: I Flew a Car with the Weasleys
I flew a car with the Weasleys
In the summer before school
I broke out of my prison and cruised with my best friend
While I did the Dursleys adieu
We flew to the Burrow
Where Ron's mother found us out
She was all up in a fury
And very very worried
'Cuz they left without leaving a note

To be honest, she was quite ticked off
But she said that it was not my fault
She made her sons go out to the garden
Go out to the garden

And take care of garden gnomes, garden gnomes
Take care of garden gnomes, garden gnomes

Let's hurl the garden gnomes!

We needed Diagon Alley
To stock up before school
I said, "Floo powder power!" and BAM in a shower
I was covered in ashes and soot
Where I landed, I was not quite clear
But Hagrid came and saved my rear
Seems I wound up in Knockturn alley all alone

I wandered around from shop to shop
'Till I found my friends at Flourish and Blotts
They were waiting for a book signing
Waiting for a book signing

From that bloke, Lockhart
From that joke, Lockhart

That joke, Lockhart
Track Name: In the Woods Tonight
Little Norbert now the time has come
Charlie Weasley is the only one to take you away
We're sneaking out under a cloak that hides
The three of us walk through the Halls at night
Oh crap
We're trapped

McGonagall
Caught us in the night
Detention sounds about right
We're in the woods tonight

Hagrid says something is running wild
Killing unicorns—that's really vile to me
Sissy Malfoy's throwing quite a fuss
Scared and whining like a little wuss
We see something

It's Voldemort!
He's roaming free tonight
Snacking on unicorn bites
I soiled my robes tonight

Dumbledore
Needs to know what we found!
What do you mean he's out of town?
That's kind of inconvenient right now...
Track Name: Hogwarts is Magic
Summer
Stuck at Privet Drive
A bummer of a summer
How can I survive?

I'd rather be at the Burrow
Just chillin' with Ron
No cares with my pals just playin'
Some Quidditch out on the lawn

This break has been no fun

No, this summer's been real bleak
But I've got two more weeks
A measly few more weeks to go

September's here at last
My magic gear is packed
I'll have my friends all back

Ya know...

Hogwart's is magic!
There's magic everywhere (ever-y-where!)
Hogwart's is magic!
Nothing else can compare

There’s wonder in the air

This year
Let’s avoid any strife
I know we said that last year
But I don’t want to die

Don’t you think it’s peculiar
How Voldemort’s always back
Each year in the spring like clockwork?
Security must be real slack

I’m not eased by that fact

Oh, but Dumbledore is here
There’s nothing here to fear
We should relax this year, alright?

Or, we could we hit the books
And think about our N.E.W.T.s?
And study ‘til we puke!

Hmm, let’s not...

Hogwart's is magic!
New adventures abound
Hogwart's is magic!
So let’s not flunk out!

Hogwart's is magic!
It’s better than your dreams
Hogwart's is magic!
Just watch out for Peeves

Hogwart's is magic!
There's magic everywhere (ever-y-where!)
Hogwart's is magic!
Nothing else can compare
Track Name: Bad at Divination
I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
All these prophecies are phony fabrications
And I don’t care for a tea leaf smudge
‘Cuz I think it’s all just sludge
And I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
Oh no!
Not me!
Hermione!

I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
All these prophecies could use some citations
I’ve deduced that this class is flawed
And our teacher is a fraud
And I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
Oh no!
Not me!
Hermione!

I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
Although my grade’s within a standard deviation
And I don’t buy that the grim is near
How the heck would it wind up here?
And I don’t even care if I’m bad at divination
Oh no!
Not me!
Hermione!
Track Name: The Shrieking Shack
I'm sorry dad, I didn't realize that your best friend wasn't bad
I though the prisoner of Azkaban was the reason that you're dead
We ended up off target and nearly scared ourselves to death
Sirius is quite pleasant, although he could uses a bath

Chase a rat to the Shrieking Shack
Oh my gosh, it's Sirius Black!
Curse Snape in the head, knock him onto a bed
Oh darn it, he isn't dead
Dialogue revealing that
Sirius Black really isn't that bad
I know where we need to head
The Shrieking Shack

Hermione figured out Lupin and Sirius were in cahoots
I would've known who was the Grim if I'da known my Latin roots
But now we're all happy and we're one big family
Oh darn it, there's a full moon; Lupin'll be a little loony

Wolf attack at the Shrieking Shack
Peter turned back into a rat
There's the moon, that means doom
Now Lupin's actin' like a loon
Let's turn tail and run away
I don't wanna be a wolf buffet!
I know where we need to flee
The Shrieking Shack

We're alone in the dark woods
And we don't know what to do
If we die from lycanthropy
Oh well
At least this chapter's swell!

Let's go back to the Shrieking Shack
Use this thing around our neck
Save the day and Buckbeak
Change up time with a couple tweaks
Conjure up a patronus stag
Save our soul from dementor hags
I know where we need to go
Back to the Shack

Expecto patronum!
Track Name: Sneak Out
I wish I had a trolley-load of Bertie Botts,

I wish I had some chocolate frogs and acid pops,

I wish I had a mug full of butterbeer

I wish I could just spend some time with my gang


I was told to go Hogsmeade I needed a slip signed
I ticked my uncle off, and now I’m in a bind

My name’s Harry P and my family stinks

My name’s Harry P and my family stinks


I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out
I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out

I’ll sneak out

I need a certain spell to chill with Hermione & Ron
A secret passage opens with just a wave of my wand
Marauder’s Map, I’m down with it, can’t believe I found it
It’s a treasure I’m astounded, and who’d I get it from?

The Weasley brothers, ‘cuz they already know
Below the stones all the corridors that they can roam
And though this map is old and rather tattered
I see passageways to hide from Snape and that’s what really matters

My name’s Harry P and my family stinks
My name’s Harry P and my family stinks


I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out
I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out

Thanks to George & Fred, I can sneak off far away
I can give them all the slip so I wouldn’t have to stay
Got get my cloak, gotta get my sack of money
Creepin’ to the Duke of Honey

I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out
I got no slip signed, that means no Hogsmeade
But Marauders came and showed me a way to sneak out

Thanks to George & Fred, I can sneak off far away
I can give them all the slip so I wouldn’t have to stay
Got get my cloak, gotta get my sack of money
Creepin’ to the Duke of Honey

Thanks to George & Fred, I can sneak off far away
I can give them all the slip so I wouldn’t have to stay
Got get my cloak, gotta get my sack of money
Creepin’ to the Duke of Honey
Track Name: A Werewolf is Fine for Tonks
I know a man who morphes at night
By day he's kind, he is wise, and he is dignified
He loves me when there's no moonlight

But when the sky is dark and luna shines
The claws come out, the teeth are bared, we're all terrified
And we don't know him anymore

To someone else, I might seem cray
To ask this man on a date
Don't tell me I'm wrong
A werewolf's fine for Tonks!

I can't stand this hate
There's no need for fear
My boo is so ashamed
'Cuz he's hated and deplored

Lupin might just change
Into something else
But that’s OK, 'cuz I can see
The guy I like needs help
I think he's just great; a wolf is fine for Tonks!

So I told Lupin the other night
We'd have a kid, and he was scared
Like he had seen moonlight
He worried 'bout our kid's new life

He ran away, he dashed my hope
That's how I lost my lycanthrope
I feel rather wronged
A werewolf ran from Tonks!

Now my heart just aches
This is not ideal
My boo is so ashamed
He thinks his kid will be deplored

Lupin ran away
He kinda went beserk
He met Harry, who made him see
He was actin' like a jerk
He promptly came back; a wolf returned to Tonks

We made up, and had our kid
We named him Teddy, like my dad
And now nothing's wrong
A werewolf's fine for Tonks!

I think that we're soul mates
I know our love is real
Now Lupin's not ashamed
'Cuz his son will make him proud
I think he's just great; Lupin’s right for Tonks!
Track Name: Oh No! (Voldemort's Back)
Oh no, Voldemort's back
The Minister for Magic’s having a wack attack
What are we all gonna do-do-do-do

It's been one messed up year, here at Hogwarts School
The Dark Lord's back, and Fudge is a fool
Hold up, he really thinks that Harry Potter lied
But if he won't listen, he'll probably die

It seems that, oh, Harry's not very happy with the law, is he?
It's scary what Umbridge thinks she can do!

But oh no, Voldemort's back
The Minister for Magic’s having a wack attack
What are we all gonna do?
If we don't know, I think that we're through

There's no better man than Dumbledore
So why's the Ministry choosing to ignore
Everything he's had to say
I’ll blame it on magic bureaucracy

It seems that, oh, Harry's not merry, in fact he's quite very wary
Of all the ed decrees Umbridge forced through

But oh no, Dumbledore's gone
Umbridge is the one they put in charge
Oh great, just to our luck
Fred and George have gone and run amok
Oh, oh, we're all in a rage
Now it's clear that Umbridge is depraved
We got to bid her adieu
If she stays, I think that we're screwed

Oh, I'm sure you, sure you think you'll be just fine
But oh, I assure you, assure you, Voldemort's not nice

But oh no, Voldemort's nigh
The Minister for Magic can't deny
It looks like Harry was right
But that doesn’t make me feel super great
No, Voldemort's back
And we all better brace for an attack
What are we all gonna do?
If we don't know, I think that we're screwed
Track Name: The Tale of the Three Brothers
A wand and a cloak, and something wearable
The Deathly Hallows were a gift from Death
He gave them to brothers three
To kill them off sneakily
'Cuz they made a magic bridge

The first brother was a donk
He asked for the Elder Wand
With it he was powerful
He used it to kill a chap
But got capped when he took a nap
What a sordid fiasco

Bro number two was a real fool
He asked for a stone to bring back those from grave
He used it to call back his old boo
But she was rather dead; he didn't want a spooky bae
So he made a make-shift gallows

These are the Deathly Hallows
These are the Deathly Hallows

Bro number three was a real G
He asked for a cloak that would serve as a hideaway
He hid away from death for his whole life
But embraced him as a pal at the very end of the day
He had a stealthy hallow

These are the Deathly Hallows
These are the Deathly Hallows
Track Name: Dumbledore Died
I came in my sixth year and I was doin’ just fine
Everything was so great until the very end
It started out with a prince, and then nothing made sense
Who is the Half-Blood Prince? Who is the Half-Blood Prince?

Now I’m goin’ to meet Dumbledore and then go
To find some locket thing which has Voldemort’s soul
Then death eaters arrive, running around the place
And then Malfoy’s like, “Die!”, but Snape gets out his wand now
I know what’s going on now
Green light shows
And I just can’t look, he’s killing the
Headmaster, I know

So I see
Snape was working for Voldie
I go chasing him outside
Try spells, but he reads my mind
But I just found out today
Destiny is calling me
I could not believe my eyes
When Dumbledore died

So I’m ticked off at Snape—I'm gonna kill him sometime
No more hangin’ around Hogwarts School at all
I got help from this Prince when potions didn’t make sense
(Snape was the Half-Blood Prince, Snape was the Half-Blood Prince)
Now there’s this prophecy that involves Voldie and me
That says neither can live long while the other can breathes
But he split up his soul into items he picked
And he hid 'em around—it's like a scavenger hunt, now
Easier said than done now, off I go
And I just can’t let Snape get away
My hate for him grows

So I’m stuck
Tryin' find a horcrux
Instead of finishing up school
I'll make my friends will come ‘long too
But I’m gonna make Snape pay
And cause of this prophecy
Voldemort I’ve gotta fight
And Dumbledore died

It's over...
It's over...
It's over...
It's over!
Track Name: Dobby
Hey, I'm Hermione, a witch who really knows a thing or two
And I care deeply for house elves, so that's why I founded S.P.E.W.
Let me tell you 'bout an elf with a sock-gathering hobby
R.I.P., to a house elf named Dobby

One night Bellatrix LeStrange called me a word that wasn't nice
And he saved our lives, but he lost hers due to her errant knife
Let me repeat, or repeat, we did not have much fun that night
And we barely escape through apparition

Yeah,

Is it too late now to save Dobby?
Because... because I foresee myself sobbing
Is it too late now to save Dobby?
I don't want to bury him in the ground
I want to go burn the manor down

Dobby
Dobby
Dobby

Harry dug the grave by himself
There lies Dobby, a free house elf

Remember when Dobby dropped a cake on some random muggles head
Remember when Dobby saved Harry's butt from Draco Malfoy's dad
Oh Dobby, oh Dobby, good golly, oh Dobby, you were a champ
Man, your passing was quite, quite depressing

Here we are are, we're here to mourn to Dobby
And I'll try my best not to cry
Oh my word, I'll really miss Dobby
I don't want to leave him in this place
Bellatrix LeStrange

Dobby
Dobby
Dobby

Harry Potter had set him free
A kid house elf with the name Dobby
Track Name: Bookworm
I love to read books
Need 'em more than water
I'm one to line up at midnight for some Harry Potter
Paperback, Kindle, or even hardcover
Flippin' page after page, I'mma gettin' smarter

But you, you're always watching NetFlix
You never, ever leave the house
But literature is so amazing
You know you're really missing out

You just gotta read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
You just have to read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Let me recommend a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Flip a page and read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book

'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh
'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh

I've got an addiction
For fantasy and fiction
Imaginative locations, turn my mind into a garden
No need to worry, if I've got a story
Expel erroneous notions that my hobby is just nerdy

But you, you're always watching TV
Binging unhealthy amounts
But literature is so amazing
You know you're really missing out

You just gotta read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
You just have to read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Let me recommend a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Flip a page and read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book

'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh
'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh, yo, borrow a book with me
Can you help me out, get a card with me
Oh, I got a hold, I'm so filled with glee
Interlibrary loan for me
When I need to go study, I took me to the library
The best part is it's all free
I'mma rhyme like Shel Silverstein
Oh, Mark Twain, Dr. Seuss
Jo Rowling freakin' rules
Reading's fly, it's so dope
From Sendak to Jan Brett
I am so literate
Proving reading's more than a hobby

You just gotta read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
You just have to read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Let me recommend a book-book-book-book-book-book-book
Flip a page and read a book-book-book-book-book-book-book

'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh
'Cuz I'm a bookworm, oh-oh, oh-oh